


Always You

by Dirade



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asphyxiation, BDSM, Bathing/Washing, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Dom/sub, Headspace, Lack of Communication, Light Bondage, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Rape/Non-con Elements, Safe Sane and Consensual, Safeword Use, Safewords, Seme Eren Yeager, Subspace, Top Eren Yeager, Uke Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:34:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dirade/pseuds/Dirade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Levi have a dom/sub relationship, but Levi can't communicate his needs and it comes back to bite him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always You

**Author's Note:**

> So I tagged a lot of stuff that only sort of applies. Um, so Levi isn't fully on board with what's happening, but he definitely consents. So yeah, it's not really rape but I didn't want to trigger anyone or something. Also it's not like very pronounced PTSD but just some flashbacks so yeah. And the praise kink is like super light. Yeah. But (spoiler!) there's a happy ending soooon :)  
> Also what is this title????

It was never a problem before. 

Of course Eren knew what he was doing; he'd been a dom for years before meeting Levi. On the first day they'd met he'd established safewords and boundaries, laying out in uncensored detail exactly what he wanted and expected. He'd always asked Levi before doing anything new. He'd always established safe signals if Levi couldn't speak. He was honest and respected all Levi's wishes. Aftercare was never overlooked after one of their scenes. He was a great dom, really. He knew what he was doing. So really, it was Levi's fault it had all gone wrong. 

 

The problem was that he liked Eren too much. He trusted him too much. He didn't articulate his needs because he expected Eren to know them, which was frankly ridiculous when every question Eren asked was answered with a 'yes.' 

Weeks and months and hours of praise had gone to his head and burrowed into his heart. 

When Eren told him he was good Levi felt complete, worth something, important, loved. He'd do anything for that praise. 

But the thing was, Eren told him he was good after he'd endured a whole scene, if he'd been a good sub, when he said 'green.' 

So he kept doing it. Every time Eren asked for his color, Levi said 'green.' And Eren would smile at him, tell him he was a good boy. It was worth whatever pain he had to endure afterward. 

Eren also praised him when he did as he was told. "Such a good boy," he'd say. "So obedient. So patient." And again, after the scene. Eren always thanked him afterward, told him how good he'd been, how proud he was of him. 

So Levi kept quiet. He didn't say when he couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't use his safewords. He explained away the sudden appearances of tears. It was worth it, for that brilliant, sunny smile. 

 

Levi had developed an adaptation, if one could call it that. It wasn't anything special, really; for many subs it was a staple of almost every scene. But Levi himself had never felt the need to actively reach it until recently. He'd never even fallen into it by accident. Subspace. Headspace. Whatever one wanted to call it. 

Subspace was the state a sub reached after a certain amount of stimulation. Levi could reach it after 5 minutes, 3 on a good day. Practice had lowered his time from nearly two hours to the current. When someone entered subspace they were in an almost drugged type of state. Dazed. Largely unresponsive. In subspace pain couldn't be felt to the appropriate degree. Potentially, a sub could be severely hurt and still begging for more. Subspace erased limits. It made everything, no matter how painful, feel like bliss. For Levi it was an empty feeling, a blankness in his mind punctuated only by the roar of 'MORE.' His normal self was gone, all sense dissolved into a potent sense of lust. He was limp in Eren's grip, nearly unconscious. He usually didn't remember much of what happened while he was in subspace. All he knew was that somehow, some way, he must have kept telling Eren 'yes.'

 

They were at Eren's house and Levi had his hands tied together, struggling to keep them above his head as Eren had asked him to. The two of them were in Eren's bed, the lights dimmed and the door locked. 

Levi was having trouble today. He'd fought too much, some primal instinct in him making him struggle against the bonds as his dom tied him. The disappointed look in Eren's eyes, the sound of his voice, was a knife in Levi's chest. 

He knew it was supposed to be a game. For him, it had always /been/ a game. But with Eren it was real. So real he'd cut his own tongue out to be quiet, to keep Eren happy and smiling at him, to better submit to this young man's will. 

Normally he'd be in subspace by now, pliable and malleable. But he couldn’t get his body to relax, his mind to cloud up and fog over. Everything was too clear. The ache of pain from where Eren had struck him. The sharp sounds of breathing. The feel of Eren's fingers wrapping around his neck, loose for now but a warning of what could come. 

"Color?" Eren grunted, tapping his finger against the side of Levi's throat in indication. 

"Green." Levi managed, gripping a pillow to stop his hands from flying down and prying Eren's hands off. 

"Remember your safe signal." Levi hit the headboard 3 times in response.The grip tightened.

That, too, was in high definition, the sensation of suffocation overwhelmly clear, the panic like ice water. The grip kept getting tighter.

Levi remembered being on the street as a child, homeless and hunted when a man had grabbed him by the throat and pushed him against a wall, his tiny, bare feet kicking uselessly just off the ground. 

'You're not there. That's over.’ Levi thought disjointedly. He couldn't breathe. ‘Eren won't hurt you. Eren will let go soon.’ Air was rattling in his chest. ‘Stop being afraid. It's okay. It's fine. You're fine. Just let it happen. Don't do anything. Leave it.' 

The grip tightened. His breath made a whistling sound when he inhaled. 

'I'm scared,' was the last thing he thought before his mind detached from his body. 

 

Levi was floating, suspended in some thick atmosphere that moved in time with Eren's hips. Subspace. 

He heard Eren's voice, startling as it hurtled through the darkness. " Levi? Are you okay? Give me a color." The rocking slowed and stopped and Levi felt a heavy weight settle across his body, dragging him deeper into the molasses around him. 

"Yes," Levi heard himself say in a rasp. The pressure on his throat lessened, a pressure he hadn't even registered until it was gone. "Green, green, green." 

A voice, his own, whispered to him in secret. 'Don't disappoint him. Don't let him down.' 

Levi inhaled and let the water fill his lungs. 

 

When Eren was done he left Levi on the bed, returning after a moment with a wet washcloth. He cleaned Levi off and sat next to him, petting his hair and saying something Levi couldn't understand. He just kept nodding and Eren seemed satisfied with that. 

Then Eren got up and Levi felt his heart twist. 'Don't leave me,' he wanted to say. But the words were stuck behind the gallon of water that had settled in his stomach. 

But Eren didn't leave him. He scooped Levi up into his arms and carried him to the bathroom, where there was already a tub of hot water. He must have started filling the tub when he went to get the washcloth. Levi hadn't even realized. 

Eren slowly lowered him into the tub, Levi digging his fingers into Eren's shoulders as the steaming water spread over his skin. It burned at first, but soon Levi felt all his muscles relax, slowly uncurling from the dull, continuous state of fear he'd been in. 'You're safe now. Eren's done. You're done.' So Levi checked out, his consciousness retreating deeper into the void of blackness. 

Normally he'd have come out of his head now that the scene was over, but he was tired and a memory was itching at the back of his mind. 

He zeroed in on it, trying to focus. He stared blankly at the bathroom wall, the picture formed like a developing photograph. 

There was man, tall with crooked and yellow teeth, looming over a younger, even smaller Levi. Levi remembered the feeling of a thin handle of a knife clutched in his delicate hands. He remembered running across rocks barefoot, the sharp edges digging into his skin. He remembered the blade of his own knife pressed against his throat. The rest blurred and no matter how hard he tried, Levi /couldn't remember/ what had happened after that. 

Dimly, he heard Eren's voice, scared and concerned. He turned his head and saw him, the brunette with a foreign look of panic on his face. 

He knew Eren was talking; his mouth kept moving, but Levi couldn't hear him. He saw Eren as if through a thin veil, a gauzy black stretched across his vision. 

Levi stared at him, uncomprehending, his eyes vacant. He knew he should be paying attention but he couldn't get himself to focus, to claw his way back to reality. 

He watched Eren leave, then return with a phone in his hand. Levi's head lolled back against the wall and he slouched into the water, letting it cover his mouth and nose. 

"Whoah! Hey!" He felt Eren's hands pulling his face out of the water, leaning him on the edge of the bathtub so he could go limp and still be able to breathe.

He watched as Eren dialed someone's number, looking down at him every few seconds with a worried expression. 

"Erwin?" Levi could understand what Eren was saying now, but not why he was saying it. "Yeah, it's Eren." There was a pause. "Yeah, okay. It's not... I don't think it's that serious yet. It's about Levi." Another pause where Eren looked down at him, his hand encircling Levi's, thumb rubbing at his bony wrist. "You used to be his dom, right?" Silence. "Yeah, yeah he's fine, I think. He's not physically hurt from what I can see. It's just..." Levi heard static chatter come from the phone's speaker. "Of course I did. He's in a warm bath right now. I cleaned him off." Eren pressed the phone closer to his ear. "Juice? Okay. Okay, I'll get that. Don't hang up." 

Eren disappeared and returned a moment later with a juice box, already opened with the straw inside. He knelt next to the tub, setting the juice on the rim. "Can you drink this, Levi?" Levi didn't move, looking at the juice box through half-lidded eyes. "Please? For me?" 

'This is all for you. That's why I'm here. That's why I do everything. For you.' Levi reached out a shaking hand to grasp the juice box, bringing it to his lips and taking a small sip before putting it back down. He felt sick. 

Eren said something else to him but he didn't hear it. He was staring at the floor now. He'd retreated back inside. 

Distantly, he heard the babble of Eren's speech. "I mean, I don't know, we were doing a scene and he just, like, checked out or something." Pause. "I asked him if he was okay and he said yes. I asked for a color and he said green. He said green like 3 times so I thought... Yes, yeah okay. I know." Pause. "He's not upset, really. He's just not responding. He went into subspace, I think, and now he won't come back out." Pause. "I don't know. I don't think so." Pause. "Okay. Okay, bye." 

The phone clicked when Eren hung up and Levi watched as Eren placed it next to the sink. The boy leaned against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor. He covered his mouth with both hands, looking up to the ceiling with glassy eyes. After a moment, he lowered his hands, turned to Levi, and spoke. "Erwin's coming over. It's going to be okay, Levi. He's going to help you." Tremors could clearly be heard in each word he said. 

Eren left the room and came back with sweatpants on and a set of clothes for Levi. He placed the clothes next to his phone and crouched beside the tub, a wavering smile on his lips. Levi watched with a vacant sort of interest, blinking slowly when Eren took his hand and laced their fingers together. "Can you try and drink some more juice?" 

The voice in Levi's head screamed. 'You disappointed him. He hates you. He doesn't want you anymore. Erwin's coming to take you away.' 

Tentatively, Levi slid the juice box over to himself, edging closer to take a couple sips from it. He knew Eren wanted him to finish it but he wasn't sure what would make his dom more unhappy - him not drinking the juice, or throwing it all back up. He guessed the latter. 

"Wanna get out of the tub?" Eren asked gently, combing his hand through Levi's hair. Levi nodded and Eren smiled at him, still as bright as the sun but this time with clouds tainting the edges. 

Eren helped him out of the tub, drying him off and guiding him into a fresh set of clothes as Levi leaned heavily on him. He brought the juice out with them, setting it on the bedside table as he let Levi down onto the bed. Levi immediately flipped to his side, curling his body slightly and facing the center of the bed. Eren laid down facing him after a moment, staying far enough away that they didn't touch. 

Levi whined in the back his throat like a child, his hand twitching in Eren's direction. 

"Do you want me to hold you?" Eren asked. Levi nodded. 

Eren shuffled closer, wrapping his arms around Levi and cradling him close, his head tucked into the space below Eren's chin. Levi snuggled closer, relishing the warmth of his dom's bare chest. 

Silence. 

As the quiet continued Levi sank back into his body, his senses reawakening to the warmth of Eren's skin and softness of the blanket Eren had thrown over the bed after taking off the sheets - he must have done it when Levi was still disconnected from the world. 

Along with physical sensations came panicky emotions. Guilt for worrying Eren, fear that he'd be thrown out, loathing for himself for not responding sooner, and terror that he'd ruined what he had with Eren. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered into Eren's chest. "I'm sorry." His voice cracked. 

"Levi!" Eren was holding his face, grinning widely. "You talked!" Then he seemed to register what Levi had said, a frown marring his face.

'He hates you.'

He leaned his forehead on Levi's. "No, no... Why are you sorry? None of this is your fault. If anything it should be me who's saying sorry. And I am, Levi. I'm sorry."

'You made him feel bad. He'll hate you forever.'

"No," Levi croaked. "I didn't mean to... It was me... I was..." 

There was a knock at the door. 

Eren looked up, raising onto his hands. "That's probably Erwin. Let me go get him, okay? I'll be back in a sec." He kissed Levi's forehead and disappeared.

Levi panicked. 

Eren had left him, Erwin was going to take him away, he was never going to see Eren again and it was ALL HIS FAULT. This was the end of their relationship. Eren would never want to speak to him again, not after this. This was it. The end. 

Levi felt his eyes burn, tears welling in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks. He got up, stumbling toward the door like a blind man. 

He heard footsteps coming toward him and that familiar fear gripped him. He ducked into the nearest space, which happened to be Eren's shallow closet. He sat, huddling into a corner and drawing his limbs close, covering his mouth so the wrecked sound of his breathing couldn't be heard. 

He heard the bedroom door creak open and saw a shadow pass through the sliver of light that the closet door let through. 

"Levi?" He heard Eren's terrified voice, an emotion he'd never gotten from the dom before. 

'It's all your fault.' 

Then he heard Erwin's deep, baritone voice. "He can't be that far away. We'll just look for him. He's probably still in this room." He heard Eren's rapid, shallow breathing. "Calm down," he heard Erwin say. "We'll find him." 

Levi listened to the two men shuffle around the room, light intermittently appearing and disappearing from the cracked doorway of the closet. 

Then, just when Levi's tears were starting to slow and the adrenaline starting to fade, the closet doors flew open, flooding the space with light. Levi pressed back against the wall, squinting as he tried to see who it was silhouetted in the doorway. Then he heard Eren's voice. "Levi!" 

The form lunged forward, pulling Levi into a tight hug. It was Eren who had found him. 

The tears came back full force, streaming down his face as he sobbed into his dom's shoulder. "Don't make me leave," he choked out. "Please, I'm sorry... Don't make me leave..." His breath hitched. 

Erwin's form appeared behind Eren and Levi immediately shrank back, hiding behind Eren. "No." He clawed at Eren's back. "Don't make me leave, please, please, Eren." 

Eren studied him with pursed lips. 

"Do you want Erwin to leave?" 

Levi nodded. 

Eren turned a little to face Erwin, saying something that made Erwin nod, then walk away. Levi heard the door click shut as he left. 

 

"We need to talk about what happened."

Night had fallen now, a deep blue settling outside the house. 

Eren had left Levi alone for a few hours after he'd calmed down, checking on him intermittently, making sure he ate dinner, bringing him a cup of hot chocolate. 

Levi's felt empty when he was alone, so he'd followed Eren around the house, watching as he cleaned the dishes and called his mom and put new sheets on the bed. Eren wouldn't talk to him, though; he made a point of it. "Give you some time to think," he'd said before taking the vow of silence. 

But, finally, here they were, about to discuss the previous events and Levi felt sick. 

Eren sat across from him on the bed, leaning forward from the headboard while Levi perched on the side of the bed. Levi could feel his heart racing, thumping in his chest like something alive and trapped. 

"I'm sorry!" He blurted before he could stop himself, earning a quizzical look from Eren. 

"What? No, that's ..." Eren paused, brushing his hair back in a gesture of frustration. "Levi, you can't... Don't apologize, okay? None of this is your fault." 

Levi knit his hands together in his lap, biting back another apology for upsetting the other. He heard Eren sigh and looked back up.

"I might have overreacted, but..." His emerald eyes trailed off to the side, looking attentively at some spot on the floor. "I mean, it's fine for you to go into subspace, that's not a big deal. But I just..." He looked imploringly back up at Levi. "I tried to give you some time to come down from it, but you didn't respond at all. Nothing. Even if you were in subspace... to have you not respond at all, to not recognize me, to not even look at me, it... it was like you were... dead, or something. You were just gone. Completely." He exhaled loudly and shakily, running a hand through his hair again. "I... I was just scared, I guess."

Levi shifted uncomfortably, digging his nails into his thighs. "I... I should have said something..." He murmured quietly, his voice fading to a timid tone. He looked off to the side, keeping his gaze down. 

He felt gentle fingers under his chin, tilting his head up so he was forced to look into Eren's eyes. "Please look at me," the brunette murmured, his expression sweet and sad. 

Levi felt tears prick at his eyes because he'd upset Eren yet again. "I'm sorry." It came out as a pathetic whine. 

Eren made a frustrated sound. "I don't... I don't want you to be afraid of me!" 

"I'm not afraid of you..." Levi mumbled, looking away. 

"Yes, you ARE! You can't look at me, you talk like I'm going to hit you, and you just let me push you around like you mean nothing; Levi, I'm your dom not your master!" 

Levi flinched back, turning his head away as he tried to swallow back the tears gathering in his eyes. "That's not what it is..." 

"Then tell me," Eren pleaded, looking genuinely upset. 

"I just don't want to disappoint you..." Levi said in a whisper, trying and failing to maintain eye contact. 

"Why would you think I'd be disappointed?" 

Levi folded his hands in his lap and just stared at them, rubbing at his knuckles harshly. "I... I..." Levi didn't want to speak, he didn't want to make Eren any more upset, he didn't even want to be here. He wished he hadn't done what he did. He wished he hadn't worried Eren at all. He wished Eren didn't care. Laying back and taking it was so much easier than trying to explain himself. "It's just that, um... You... You're always so proud of me after a scene, so I just... I just thought you wouldn't feel that way anymore if I... If I said no. I mean..." His knuckles were turning red from the insistent scratch of his own fingers. "I... I'm supposed to be your sub and I felt like you wouldn't want me anymore if I... If I didn't fulfill your desires. I mean, that's all I'm here for, right? It's not like... It's not like I mean anything outside of the bedroom." And then Levi couldn't say anymore because he was crying, sobbing, hiding his face in his hands and feeling tears seep between his fingers. 

"No, no, Levi, sweetheart..." 

"Sorry," Levi rasped into his hands, his voice in shreds. He felt Eren's arms, warm and strong, wrap around him and he leaned forward, burying his face in Eren's chest. 

"N - no," he heard Eren stutter. "I... Levi, I..." Levi held his breath. "I love you. So much. Don't ever think anything else."

Levi shuddered against Eren's chest, his heart feeling suddenly too big for his chest, swelling, welling with happiness. "I love you, too." 

He felt Eren's breath catch. "Really? You... You don't have to say that, Levi. Really, I - " 

"No, I mean it," Levi said earnestly, rising up to bump his nose against Eren's. "I... Really. I really mean it." 

Eren kissed him, softly, more gently than he ever had before, like Levi would crack, shatter beneath any kind of pressure. 

"I'm glad," Eren murmured. 

"Me too."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so bad at endings.


End file.
